Beware the Playful Sadistic Dom, for He Follows His Own Rules and His Only Goal is to Hurt You (Part I)

If you've read any part of this blog, you know Husband is something of a Sadist.

Not all Doms are Sadists. Doms like to be in control, they like to be the figure of authority and power in the relationship, but not all of them like inflicting pain on their sub. Some just expect the sub to submit quickly and quietly, and if the sub doesn't, there's a discussion about it. If some type of punishment is called for, it may involve loss of privileges, maybe even some humiliation, but not necessarily pain. Some Doms will inflict pain to make their subs happy, but they themselves don't get off on it in any way.

(By the way, not all Sadists are Doms. Some just like a chance to inflict pain on others, but they don't need a reason or excuse to do it, and they're certainly not looking to have any real authority over the other person for any length of time, except during the play session. They are topping the other person, not adopting a Dom role.)

But most Doms, I think, enjoy at least a little bit of sadism in their relationships. In fact, I think most men in general get off on it. That's why they enjoy watching women getting spanked, slapped, pinched, grabbed, and overall treated like charged sex toys. The difference is that most men will feel guilty about their sadistic pleasures, while a Dom will accept it and use it to satisfy both himself and his sub.

Husband is a sadist, but it took a while for me to draw most of his full potential out of him. In the beginning, he simply controlled me, but there weren't enough effective ways to enforce his authority over my actions. Also, I was coming to realize how much I enjoyed being trussed up, spanked, paddled, and belted, just for the fun of it, but Husband was too afraid to indulge me too fast. Like all men, he had been raised with the belief that hurting women is wrong, 100% of the time and no exceptions. I had my misguided notions he had to work through, but he had some, too. He had to deal with the guilt.

All Sadists have to deal with guilt, usually on an ongoing basis, at least to some degree--but I think that's a good thing. It means no matter how far the scenes go, he is still controlling his actions and making sure things don't cross boundary lines. It means he's planning things out in advance to ensure both people leave the session happy. It means he cares.

But guilt can also get in the way of the fun stuff, and twist the Dom up in really weird ways. Sometimes, if he wants to try some new method of pain or has a craving for a long painful scene, it might mean he will play his own little head game both with himself, and with his sub, to get around the guilt and justify what he wants to do (or in our case about to do) to his sub.

A guilty Dom can sometimes lead to a playful Dom, but all that means is he's already rigged the game so he wins and you fail--and failure means pain. He wants a reason to hurt you, and so by God he will make up the reasons himself if he has to. He will make sure you've been a naughty little sub and deserve the punishment he's been looking forward to giving you.

Playful Doms are a dangerous breed. Subs need to be very, very wary around playful sadistic Doms: follow orders, do them fast, and don't ever, ever, mouth off. Because the rules change fast, and the punishments are swift.

As I learned the hard way.